I am weak and indecisive, I have gobs of problems in myself which I try to address every day. I successfully recognise them but almost always fail to deal with them. This is not only me but almost everyone maybe. “You should not be so hard on yourself”, I have heard this quite a lot and I know that I do dislike myself or keep questioning every new habit of mine but that is just for the sake of it. I never get too moved by things that I start working on myself diligently. To be very honest, I give up the building energy too soon for it to turn out in something fruitful. This rant keeps on playing like an eternal song in my life. There is a need to let go a lot of things in life so as to live a relatively satisfactory life. I am never ready to let go those things because in my opinion whatever it is, it defines me, it is a part of me which once in a while brings a spark in my eyes though after digging deeper, it just leaves me with more tears and discontent. I partially like the person I am becoming, I have left the gates of betterment open always but the guilt of not doing much about it or perfectly tread the path I see for myself, aches me.
Parvaneh gazed out of the window of the taxi, looking outside blankly, reading the name boards for the streets as the taxi passed by. A roadside Parvaneh gazed out of the window of the taxi, looking outside blankly, reading the name boards for the streets as the taxi passed by. A roadside florist had the most different variety of flowers, far different and colorful than the ones the local florists of her city had. “Such beautiful lilies”, her father pointed at the window for her mother to look. Parvaneh really doubted that those were lilies but she didn’t care to dig deeper into the topic.
Parvaneh and her parents have come to a nearby city to meet her father’s ill sister. Parvaneh has never met her aunt much and in general, she is not much attached to her paternal or maternal side of relatives. The necessity of making an obligatory visit to aunt Poonam’s lead the family to take a two-day break from their daily lives and travel to a nearby city.
Parvaneh didn’t want to come because she had to work on her CLRM project, studying the impact of the technological advancements on the unemployment rate, not that she was interested in the subject but she had always dreaded the deadlines and the thought of lacking behind in studies in any way. Nevertheless being a single child is always a struggle, her parents couldn’t let her stay alone for two days and couldn’t leave her at someone else’s house either. She was just waiting for these two days to end.
Aunt Poonam’s house was a decent sized double story house surrounded by a garden from all the sides but the house and the garden were not taken care of that well which was apparent by their appearance. The house had not been painted from like centuries and the garden was filled with weeds and rarely mowed. Parvaneh spent most the noon of her arrival day in the backside verandah on a swing chair. She was mostly collecting data for her project on her laptop that she had bought with her, also this was better than the much-dreaded human interaction. In the evening, she went out with her dad to a nearby market looking for some local street food.
Next morning, Parvaneh woke up early and went out to the balcony. Her room was on the first floor to the rear side such that the balcony faced the house on the right side of her aunt’s house. The door of the room of the other house facing her was also open. There was a canvas in that room which had a painting of a girl sitting on a swing chair with her laptop. Parvaneh couldn’t believe her eyes, it was her sketch from the previous day. First, she thought that maybe she was mistaken but the girl in the sketch was wearing the same blue striped t-shirt that she was wearing yesterday. Though the sketch was extremely fine and intricate she felt kind of exploited.
She wanted to meet the person who made the sketch, ask the reason for breaching her privacy and at the same time appreciate the art. She thought of going to the house but decided to wait in the balcony for that person. She stood there for around 10 minutes when a boy, wearing a brown plaid shirt and baggy faded jeans, looking nearly her age emerged from the right side of the room to grab some textbooks kept on the table behind the canvas.
The boy disappeared to the right side of the room again as immediately as he appeared. She wanted to stop him but didn’t know what to call him. She ran downstairs because she figured that the boy was probably getting ready to go somewhere. The boy appeared on the front porch of his house just as Parvaneh came out of the house. She faked a calm expression on her face and walked to the front gate as if she ran into him by chance.
“Hey!” she said just when he was heading out of his house.
“Hello! Never seen you here before.” He said.
“Yeah, came to see my aunt, she wasn’t feeling well lately.”
“Did you draw my sketch yesterday when I working in the backyard?” she asked while noticing the freckles on his face. She began to realize that he had deep dark brown eyes and archly curled eyelashes.
With all the noticing of his facial features, she missed the beginning of his answer but the portion she heard was about that how he loves drawing new and different things and usually can’t find much inspiration around.
Parvaneh got stuck at the word inspiration like the guy had actually said that her image of working on her laptop was pretty inspirational for him.
“Is it okay with you that I drew you?”
“Yeah, fine. Do you study arts?” Parvaneh asked randomly.
“No, I am doing bachelors in Aeronautics. Well, I am getting late for my class so I should probably be going. Nice talking to you.”
“Yes alright. I just wanted to say that I really like the drawing.” She paused. “You can text me some time when you are out of ideas as to what to draw. I am not an art person but some of my friends are really good at this stuff.” Parvaneh had no such friends and she didn’t know why she even said that in the first place.
That boy giggled and said okay. Parvaneh wrote her name and number on the backside of his notebook. “Parvaneh, nice name. I am Ayaan.”
“Bye Ayaan.” They both smiled and he left.
Parvaneh came home but couldn’t stop thinking of Ayaan and his drawing. She thought that he would definitely text her. Why wouldn’t he? If he can draw her sketch, he can text her. No text ever came. She would have messaged him if she had his number. She didn’t realize that she could miss a person she had talked to for only 10 minutes. She had infinite imaginary conversations with him in her head but this didn’t make sense, how can you miss something so transitory. She felt stupid and the feeling was real and she knew it. She subdued the feeling because she was missing what she never had.
Its all stored inside a glass dome
like a box full of warmth lying intact in my lap
for I can open it whenever I like,
the contents please me the same every time.
It is altogether a different place
where I can bound more with myself
and the Earth around me.
The beauty is in the way it invigorates me,
the flowery hope that blossoms quietly within me
feeling like a soft burning lamp.
The beauty is the tears welling up in my eyes
when I open the box,
because of the utmost happiness I gain from it.
Despite the rough and tired days, dejection and
helplessness in the nights, that thing of beauty
always brings me home.
I have always been afraid, afraid if I am doing something wrong, hurting others or jeopardizing my so bright future in any way. I feel accountable to comply to the norms, people around me ardently believe in and want me to obey.
It’s the guilt that is always holding me back from joyously doing what I feel is right and others don’t. The highest degree of freedom one can ever attain is freedom from guilt (heard somewhere, I don’t remember where). For this, first you need to be comfortable with yourself and actually that’s all that is needed. Facing the world won’t be that tough if your beliefs are entrenched in your brain.
The mask of optimism and hustling hard won’t last long if that is your basis of living. Hustling hard is surely the key to almost everything but it should be driven by a soul that has faith in itself. Sometimes I feel so fucking familiar with myself when I do not shed pity with the entire fake self love, it’s too unlike anyone I presume. Tediously trying to love yourself and being accepting of all the other people you meet daily, is cool only if you want to mindlessly slither through your days.
Everyday what you face is trash (in the form of people and your own insecurities) and if you don’t filter that trash, it may stack on your chest and choke you from the inside. Start clearing it out soon before it blocks all your working systems. All that you are required to do is respect your decisions and then follow them happily and unapologetically. You will hurt many but then hurting is inevitable (so better have a thoughtful decision making). Conflicts in your brain better be managed by your own conscience first rather than other people’s biases. I know, many people do not have the luxury to have such high self esteem and courage to pursue what they actually feel like (well not everyone can be tony stark), but prioritizing your happiness and saneness over others is prudence.
Soon you shall start feeling all wobbly and shaky
your stomach may begin to churn and even imagining food can make you sick.
Dodge all the questions that people put,
and relinquish at the attempts of looking at the brighter side.
Be quick on your feet to sponge up all the unnecessary challenges or petty games that you yourself throw your way.
You are at the beck and call of your mood swings,
wanting to cry and shout loud but too tired to process everything again.
I know you want to breathe all the uneasiness out,
but please don’t be a bigger idiot to think that you have to find a way out.
For no alley will lead you to that door but acceptance,
you need to welcome what you dread the most and pet your blemishes with a dutiful soul.
Try to embrace them as no one else will ever do that for you,
fight the battle with your flaws by your side for then there will be no inner war to cater.
You didn’t ask for my opinion
As if it was something that didn’t matter at all.
If you could not see me through your translucent glasses of ignorance and righteousness,
Let me tell you that I waited with patience and acceptance in my eyes,
Hoping for you all to have the same in yours.
Till now I had complete faith that my light of perseverance will reach your door someday, and you would also try to understand me and put down your weapon of control for once.
I am saddened to say that that hope is diminishing by each day,
I tried and protested against something that I actually felt was not justified but you never even cared to reason with my logic.
Fucking the world is always easier than trying to bring the change.
I started with the tougher road but it left me weaker and more vulnerable than I already felt.
You have mortified my already negligible self esteem and damaged me far more than you can ever fathom,
now I have no choice but to stop giving a fuck to your opinion and take the bullets to my shield as lessons.
I hope both of us will somehow be able to assimilate the guilt we are inflicting on each other.
– Jasnoor Kaur
I don’t know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life. I do not count on people that much in life but I can never deny that good people in your life are like icing on a cake.
Their presence does sometimes inspire me to appreciate the beauty of my life and I feel so grateful to be living amongst such people.
The small gestures by other human beings actually charge you up with quantums of positive energy and hope, hope in life and humanity.
Braiding and styling my hair like pro, wasting your precious time to spam my Instagram and Facebook accounts, ready to accompany me anywhere without asking why, video calling me for no purpose whatsoever, massaging my head when it hurts, buying me ice cream, talking to me even if you are too sleepy to open your eyes, giving me all the tv shows when I ask for them, discussing about the universe with me, all these small things (which actually may seem stupid) require effort and time worth appreciating.
Having people who genuinely feel that spending time with you is worthwhile and who are happy to see you develop and succeed are the people you should stick with.
Being emotionally consumed and dependent on people is not what I support even though some emotional dependence is healthy but acknowledging their presence and what they have done for you is something everyone of us should do because other living cells are your latent strength, which boost you up everyday without you noticing it.
So obviously you should choose your support system very judiciously. Getting hurt from the people you love is inevitable sometimes but you can ensure that that pain is worth embracing.
Tossing it to the other side of her bed, she stretched in a carefree manner as she read.
Concoction of the books and music helped her sleep,
But in the morning that carefree attitude of hers was perceived obscene.
She was told by her mama that leaving it out in open isn’t allowed,
and that she should hide it in a cupboard so that no one ever gets a doubt!
Soon she understood that acting oblivious to its existence is qualifying the essentials of sophistication.
Being rebellious for such a harmless thing hurt her brain,
but people were quite vocal about the manners she gained.
Scathing eyes followed her when she showed the strap consciously,
but nothing saddened her more than the blunt and half witted remarks of the people who claimed to love her a lot.
Succinctly put, she knew that she ain’t getting any real support ever anyway.
When every thought is indecisiveness and every movement is just for the sake of it.
But a quantum of inspiration gear you up for whatever may come.
When your every feeling comes with a doubt in itself.
But a word of warmth is like sunshine caressing your face.
When there is no “should” in your lines.
But the lyrics of a song is all that matters.
When every slight turn of mood is another regret.
But a smiling face fills a worthless day with an undoubtable hope.
When silence and puking out feels the same and the gap between overthinking and thinking at all appears to vanish.
But there is everything in a dance.
Everything has a flip side to which you can turn to whenever you really feel like. Growing up leaves you with no option but to choose sides, sides to your personality and the way you want to think. People always have options and the liberty to choose among the options but seldom have they really want to take sides or make a choice. We all are at some points forced to see the brighter or happier side because let’s just assume that we need to fool our brains. Fooling, it may seem at the beginning but it is vital to continue, continue with whatever you have at the moment and try to make something decent out of it.
The flip sides of the way you think actually make all the apparent difference. Not caring to moving forward or even moving and wanting to do nothing about it is a choice just like trying new things and embracing your small struggles is another choice. Doing both the things can be duping the reality because things may be never too ugly or too gorgeous as it appears in your head.
But choosing to look at a slightly positive side will save you from all the unnecessary suffering that you may be going through. Someone once told me that we can clearly see someone else’s situation and try to shield them for the harsh realities so why can’t we for once, try to stop being so skeptical for ourselves? We all deserve some humanity from ourselves.
A pat on your back and accepting your bad decisions never hurt you but your incessant skepticism and inability to accept your shortcomings may. Almost everyone has witnessed a constant poking in the head, reminding you every minute of where you are going wrong or what you just did was totally nuts or what would people think or how are you wasting your life, these constant reminders that your brain is so generous to provide you are harmful if only taken seriously. You are clearly a BAWSE if you just laugh at these alerts and be comfortable with who you are. You may call it synthetic happiness (because I do), but actually all your brain needs to know is that you have the control (even if you don’t).